When you think of "Instagram stalking," what comes to mind? Is it meticulously examining a potential date's profile to ensure they meet your standards? Or is it snooping to see if a couple has broken up? Perhaps it's getting caught up in critiquing the fashion and lifestyle choices of an old acquaintance?
As these examples show, when we imagine ourselves engaging in digital detective work, it always involves others. However, upon reflection, you may realize that you are, in fact, your own most devoted observer. Many TikTok users can relate to this: we share an Instagram story – a supposed 24-hour glimpse into our lives – and find ourselves trapped in a cycle of replaying it and monitoring the viewer list. While the latter serves a purpose (enabling us to know if the person we wanted to see the story actually did), what drives us to re-watch our content? It's not as if we'll discover anything new – after all, we're the ones who posted it.
This behavior extends beyond stories, too. I'll admit: when I'm feeling down, I've caught myself scrolling through my grid, pausing on vacation photos, snapshots from nights out, birthday celebrations, and occasionally, a selfie where I know I look great. I'm not alone in this: while some browse their social media profiles for a confidence boost, others, like @xoxotatianaa on TikTok, admit to re-watching their content simply because they can, and they don't care (a sentiment shared by 667k others). You can read more about the psychology behind social media behavior on https://carsnewstoday.com.
So, what motivates this behavior? Is it because we're perfectionists, fixated on our content aligning with the digital persona we present to the world? Are we so self-aware of being perceived that we try to view ourselves through someone else's lens? Or are we simply enamored with ourselves?
“If I get new followers, I like to view my profile from their perspective, seeing what they’re seeing…”
I asked my Instagram followers a question through a story, which I watched a few times to gauge their reactions. One of my friends, Tom, replied, “When I get new followers, I like to see my profile from their perspective, even though I’m familiar with it.” He added, “I wonder what they’re looking at, so I check my profile to see what they see.” Another friend, Kat, shared, “I pretend to be someone else to see how others perceive me and if they think my grid is cool – I cringed just typing that out.”
Perceiving Ourselves through the Lens of Others
Eloise Skinner, a psychotherapist and author specializing in existential identity, reveals that our innate longing to observe ourselves from an external vantage point is a pivotal factor in self-stalking. This phenomenon is echoed in Ariana Grande's song POV. Skinner observes that humans have always been driven to comprehend how others perceive them, as it aids in answering the fundamental question of "who am I?" In the absence of direct feedback, we attempt to envision what others might think of us by scrutinizing our online profiles.
Zoe Mallet, a psychologist, concurs that our inherent desire for social validation and status propels us to present ourselves favorably, both in the digital realm and in real life. This subconscious endeavor to enhance our social standing and cultivate a positive self-image is an instinctual human coping mechanism. Mallet suggests that our need for social approval is deeply ingrained, influencing our behavior in various aspects of life.
“The desire to understand how we’re perceived has been an integral part of human instinct for generations.”
Skinner and Mallet both stress that our attempts to control how others perceive us predate the advent of social media. We have always curated our image, whether through our attire, conversation topics, or online presence.
Consider journalist and content creator Mared Perry, who shares with me that she repeatedly reviews her stories for two primary reasons. Firstly, she aims to ensure that her "content appears polished" in case of potential professional opportunities, and secondly, she is driven by the fear that others might find something embarrassing or that she is being too revealing. "Self-stalking may stem from feelings of insecurity about our sense of identity, how we're perceived by others, or even a critical attitude towards what we post and where we can improve," Skinner explains. "There's a heightened awareness of how we compare to others online – in other words, it's easier to measure our digital lives against someone else's, to see what we like or dislike."
What Image Am I Projecting Online?
It's essential to remember that individuals utilize social media in diverse ways. Some use it to maintain relationships and stay connected ("If that's the case, it might seem less important to present oneself in a certain way," Skinner notes), whereas for others, like Perry and journalist David Chipakupaku, it's more profound – it's an extension of who they are. "I want to showcase all the different facets of my personality on my social media, and I don't want to be known for just one thing," Chipakupaku tells me. "I'll share the various sides of myself – I'll post a meme and I'll share news posts. It's about finding the right balance. Am I being too humorous? Too serious? Too quirky? Too much?"
He confesses to repeatedly reviewing his online presence due to a mix of "apprehension and self-editing". "When someone views my story, will they gain a comprehensive understanding of who I am? If yes, I've succeeded. If not, I'll add or remove something. It sounds insidious and weird, but it's true." Mallet highlights that this phenomenon is unique to social media. "Think about how we present ourselves in real life – there are limits to how many facets of ourselves we can show per situation or experience. We can't go back and curate it. But online, you can, which adds to this mounting pressure of wanting to present as flawless," she says. Skinner adds that while this pressure can be internal (the same impulse that makes us reflect on how we presented ourselves at a work event, for example), it can also be external: "For instance, the demands we put on ourselves to have a certain image, following, or level of popularity on social media."
There are numerous reasons why we revisit our online content (so it's not just because we're infatuated with ourselves, which isn't always a bad thing). But is there a distinction between this behavior being normal and unhealthy? As of September 2024, Instagram has 2 billion active users globally, all of whom produce a significant amount of content. Skinner believes it's quite normal, then, that we'd want to look back over our content from time to time, like how we'd flip through a photo album, journal, or scrapbook. "Social media can act as a storage unit for older versions of ourselves and our identities, so reflecting with appreciation, nostalgia, or thoughtfulness can be a supportive, beneficial activity."
What are the warning signs that we might be overdoing it? Beyond diverting attention away from other vital aspects of our lives, Skinner suggests we pay attention to how the act of self-monitoring affects us in the moment and afterwards. If it inspires or reassures us, that's great. However, it also risks making us more self-critical or stuck in the past. "If it makes us more self-aware, self-obsessed, or distracted from our intended social media use, it's worth reassessing the habit," she advises.
Last year, research from Bournemouth University revealed that young adults who engage in passive social media use (browsing others' content) are more prone to mental health issues such as anxiety and depression compared to those who share their own content (active users). However, self-stalking throws a wrench into the works: we've created this content ourselves, but now we're also passively consuming it. While research on self-stalking is still lacking, Mallet reminds us that social media was designed to be addictive from the outset. "When we post, we're validated by the responses we receive and get a dopamine rush. We crave that rush again and again, so naturally, we'll return to the source where we experienced it before," she explains. "It's not that we're hooked on gazing at our own Instagram. We're hooked on the feeling we get when we do."
